Rex Ryan Adds “Kicking Ability” to List of Reasons for Hiring Nick Folk

With the New York Jets’ stunning Sunday evening upset of the New England Patriots, head coach Rex Ryan finally gave his kicker Nick Folk much deserved recognition for his outstanding kicking abilities.

“He had already ticked off 95% of the requirements for being an outstanding football kicker,” Rex said during the post-game press conference. “Now that I have confidence in his kicking ability, everything on my list of what a professional kicker requires is checked off. This guy has it all.” The comment was especially comforting for Folk since it contrasted so much with remarks regarding his earlier performances.

Concerned about recent inconsistencies from Folk, the Jets had worked out former Steelers and Texans kicker Kris Brown mid-season at their Florham Park training facility. “It broke my heart,” Rex said. “Nick was such a star for the first five or six games. He always made sure to wax his feet before each practice, get a dazzling pedicure prior to kickoffs, and show up to team meetings 30 minutes early so I could massage lotion between his toes. We even played the ‘this little piggy’ game to make sure the joints were limber.”

So far, the playoff games have proven it was wise to let Nick Folk maintain his starting position. Kris Brown, known mostly for his 77% field goal average throughout his career, was cut on Nov. 23 by the Chargers after kicking in three games for them and making 4 of 5 field goals. “It was really all in vain to think that Brown could have made a difference,” Rex noted. “Having him start would have been such a radical change. During his limited time on the practice field, he repeatedly focused on getting the ball between the goal posts with little concern for the aesthetics of his kick. Brown seemed to focus more on power and accuracy whereas Folk focused on getting his other foot en pointe. But Nick’s back, and my wife and I couldn’t be any happier.”

During the conference, reporters pressed Folk to reveal why he had let himself go mid-season. “Honestly,” he said, “it was a rough period; my priorities were all out of order. I had become so focused on field goal percentage and kickoff distance that I disregarded my feet to the point where they were an atrocity to put on film.”

Peter Ellison, a subscriber to the Jets’ video channel on FootFetishTube.com, confirmed that Folk’s feet became less attractive around NFL mid-season. He said, “After three minutes of unpleasant masturbation to a video posted around Week 12, I opted to simply have sex with my girlfriend. But now that Folk has gotten his game back, I can’t help but stay in front of the computer. I’m starting to get turned on by his kicking ability too; I made a macro button on my keyboard to quickly switch to Folk’s clutch final field goal against the Colts right before orgasm.”

With Folk’s success and Brad Smith’s return for Pittsburgh, will the Jets finally become the perfect all-around team they need to be to defeat two more opponents and win the Super Bowl? “No,” Rex said. “My punter Steve Weatherford could still learn a few things.”

Jobs’ Cancer Cell Growth Outpaces Apple Market Share Growth for the Second Time

There are two things that have always been close to Apple’s CEO Steve Jobs, his company and his pancreatic cancer. Ever since Apple’s year-over-year operating system growth surpassed the rate of Microsoft’s own Windows OS growth, Jobs has had to look elsewhere to boost his internal drive to relentlessly compete.

“When I was first diagnosed with pancreatic cancer,” Jobs said, “the doctors told me that my condition was grave because of the rapid spread of cancer cells throughout my pancreas. Instead of accepting my own ultimate demise – similar to how I avoid accepting that my own company will eventually fail – I took the opportunity to squash the rate of cancer cell growth with my own company’s rate of growth.”

And he did achieve this. In July of 2009, when Jobs resumed public appearances with the media, his ailment had gone into a state of remission and Apple market share outpaced the rate of his cancer cells.

“But it’s back!” Steve Ballmer said today in a leaked e-mail document. “A breath of fresh air, unless you’re Jobs; hospitals have musty odors. Now if only the bald gene would go away too – then I’d be a happy man.” Jobs did not retaliate to the outlandish comment, presumably because he was too weak to.

Now that his cancer cell growth has outpaced his company’s growth, Jobs can rest easy. “I had considered other ways to rekindle my competitive drive after I had beaten the cancer goal,” Steve said. “I’ve tried beating Justin Bieber’s increasing gayness, Facebook’s rate of decreasing privacy, and even considered trying to surpass Microsoft in OS sales before Kim Kardashian’s vagina width reached her hips. But since the ‘o’ in G.O.A.L.S. stands for ‘obtainable,’ I dismissed these thoughts.”

Jobs might be in for a rude awakening. Analysts suggest that his cancer cell growth is currently tenfold his company’s proliferation. At this rate, he may never beat cancer again.

Though Jobs has considered receiving chemotherapy treatments, he is afraid shareholders will view the slowing down of his cancer cell growth as a sign that Apple’s growth will not reach the levels of Steve’s lofty goal. “I have to keep fighting,” he was heard saying. “I have to beat this thing. After all, I’m Steve Jobs.”

“Steve Jobs is indeed Steve Jobs,” Bill Gates confirmed today in a blog post.

Whether or not he will be one day reach his goal remains hazy at best. Though doctors say cancer cell growth would cease if he were to pass away, Apple’s growth could be in the negative percentages by then. Circulating rumors suggest that the next generation of iPhones may omit the Apple logo to reduce the device’s weight from 137 grams to 136. Executives within the company suggest the change could lead to consumer backlash and that simply changing the “4” in iPhone 4 to a “5” would be enough to keep the average buyer happy.

As during Jobs’ 2009 medical leave, Timothy Cook, head of worldwide sales and operations at Apple, will run day-to-day operations though Jobs will continue to be involved in major strategic decisions at the company. “It’s a shame,” Cook said. “Now I’m stuck with tackling Jobs’ ridiculous goal. I’ve spoken to him about it, but his hearing has gotten quite bad and he’s been mumbling a lot lately. I’ve given up on reasoning. I’m going back to doing whatever he tells me, whether it’s ordering his custom 23 x 30 Levi’s or spoon-feeding him baby food.”

Steve Jobs, a rock-star in the tech industry, will do his best to overcome the cancer. Things are already looking up; Jobs has been transferred to the University of Texas M. D. Anderson Cancer Center in Houston. They reportedly have the fewest installations of Windows 7 of any US hospital, with 20.